Tuesday, December 27, 2011


how do I spend it? What will be my worship? God is Life/Death and anything in between. Which face does she show me today, and how will I dance with her? Howeverrrr I dew, it is all worship.

So cum now, lover. Play this game with me. Throw your passion upon this pyre and watch the show.

Did you think it would be that easy? What is easy turns to dust, what is difficult turns to dust. But you chose the road, you choose the game. So play. There is no sleep, no death deep enough, so play!

Nope I'm not fatalistic. I enjoy the honey. It dissolves, sweet. then there is nothing. I do not mourn the honey. I celebrate the time. The anticipation, the tasting and the dissolution...

but of course, I'm me,  so I look forward to the honey again.
this restlessness.
So Maybe I don't celebrate the dissolution.
then maybe I don't want the honey at all.
so maybe I reject honey cuz it's gonna leave anyway.
and while i'm at it i'll hold my breath.
and never cum.
and never love.

And maybe it'll all cum round again anyway. and i'll be at the banquet eyes full and stomach empty. afraid to taste what might leave.

and i'll be bitter.
and then the worms won't eat me.
or i'll make sure the worms don't eat me.
i'll get a metal casket.
cuz i'm bitter.
no in, no out.

taste life.
don't be skurrrred.
the drink is good
and the party
to die for.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Body Wisdom for dummies

Sometimes I feel like I'm in remedial school for body sovereignity. I didn't know how to speak up for myself, how to defend myself, how to trust myself to know what was good for me. So slowly, slowly... I'm learning to trust myself.To listen to myself. to speak up when something doesn't feel good. To resist labeling myself with perjoratives for not knowing, or for not having trusted my own knowing of what was healthy and self-loving and what was self-harm.
So i listen to my breath,
to the places I hold tight,
to the feelings I would push aside and diminish discount.
and slowly I remember.
I know these things by knowing
what feels good for me
what is loving to me
what is nurturing, and affirming, and validating to me.
and the more I accept these things
and the more I allow the good to flow in my life
slowly like honey,
I begin to let myself believe
that I deserve
good things,
loving things,
things for growth,
nurturung and nourishing things
and I let go
the things thast aren't.

Happy Birthday To Me!

This birthday was an absolute blast. Good friends, good music, good drinks, good dancing. Nu Year brought in right! Love, Love, Love, Love Love.

Fortune Cookies

Calamity is the touchstone of a brave mind. I pulled this from a fortune cookie while riding down Frankstown Ave today after a deep conversation with one of my closest friends. I sometimes feel like I'm always riding the edge of calamity. I'd like to think myself brave, but I watch the waters of unknown swirl around me and I feel the push of fear. This polyamory, this openess that I proclaim, the entering into relationships a a full person, a person who is reclaiming herself, who is no longer willing to harm herself,  is a risky business. I find that I am finding myself reflected in so many challenging, rich, deep, and scary ways, that my mind is constantly reacting as though I'm on the edge of calamity. How to remain open... when it hurts? when I don't know the answers? when I have never been secure enough to be vunerable and honest with myself. This practice of openess is a practice of relationship with myself. A practice of self-care, self-love. A practice of listening to my own needs and having compassion for others and their needs.And loving, constantly challenging myself to love... so that I heal and support the healing of others.

The touchstone for my mind is often not calamity, but death. stillness. finality. the opposite of living. It's been a struggle to have a baseline that does not include harming myself, physically. The struggle has been for me to find value in myself. To feel like I am worth life. I have been conditioned, trained, brainwashed...
to feel that I am worth no more than I sacrifice for others, I am worth no more than my martyrdom. There is no bravery in martyrdom, in purposefully throwing yourself on the pyre when you haven't taken the time to realize your own beauty, to worship the stars in your own eyes, to feel the purpose of your own heart. The world needs no more martyrs, but lovers.

Sometimes us
lovers may die.
but if we die, I say let us die while living,
let us not wait to die,
let us not hold our breaths
and wait for our crosses of suffering.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Sun Moon Child

we were never meant to survive... (sa triggers)

And when the pavement we grow up on
is a concrete spiderweb of cracks
every step we take

living means
ignoring that chorus of suicide
that hum like the tv
always on for comfort
to remind us that the pain
may not be forever
that we will not wonder whether
the bullets flying round the night
will hit us or our little brothers
when we are big enough
to move to places with back yards
that play/uncles/play
will not exchange us kisses
and fondles and fucks
for video games and black

and our mother's kisses
may break the wall of trauma
indent our
hearts still so sealed shut
that our babies
watch us inhale death
and bleed with our eyes
and there is not enough us left
to think about what they may be seeing
is what you have already seen
and never wanted to see
but we are here
and still
with hungry babies
and empty breasts
trying to figure what
a step on a crack
could do to you
what it did to your mama
and why the pavement
look like a spider's web anyway.

I love this blog...

and this blog post makes me teary-eyed every time i read it....

Thursday, December 8, 2011

So now I'm publicly working on this idea...

Wrestling with this point of even being here. Publicly. And I feel a little silly, to be honest. I've never been the bravest person, or the most open person or the person to think that much of what i say is what anybody really wants to hear, or read anyway. eh. but no matter. It's 2 am and I got court tomorrow. I should be sleep. i should be doing anything besides writing right now. But it's 12 days before my birthday/solstice and my heart is heavy/sore and my mind can't even rest cuz all my dreams are crazy.

my birthday wishes are:
to be held by someone that will listen to my heartbeat
to be seen
to curl up on a good friend's lap and cry for a while
to dance
to be heard and loved
to understand the gifts of my shadows
to be free!
to feel joy
to eat good food and drink good wine
to chant
to make love/deep/passionate/love deep as Olokun
to sleep a peaceful sleep
to see my children happy.
to be intimately and infinitely understood
a deeper root into life/being